The Finals, Nick and Jessica and other stuff…

Newlyweds
I took the dog for a walk, came home, walked in the door and to my complete and utter horror…Micki had the remote control. Whenever this happens I feel like James Caan just before Kathy Bates smashes his feet with a sledgehammer. Only in "Misery" Kathy didn't bother flipping through ALL 200 scenarios before letting him have it. For chrissakes there's a reason there's a guide button on the remote control. It's so that you don't have to flip through the forty public access channels on your way to HBO. Anyway luckily she somehow found MTV, which these days only posts two shows that are actually worth watching. "Pimp My Ride" and my newest addiction, "Newlyweds". Or as I like to call them, "The Hot Stupid Osbournes." Not that Ozzy and Sharon are rocket scientists but at least you've never heard Ozzy mutter "Oh my Ga." So that he wouldn't have to take the lord's name in vain. Just watching this show brings tons of questions to my mind so I wrote them down so that any of my 12 readers could email me the answers.

1. Could Nick be more whipped?
2. Can you actually blame him for being whipped?

I'll actually answer this one. NO.

3. How on earth could anyone stand having to look good for 24 hours a day? I could never do it. I mean I never shave on the weekends and after two days I walk around my house looking like Ethan Hawk on a heroin bender. It's not pretty, it's not sexy but my wife puts up with it. 4. Is there any way in hell that it's true Jessica was a virgin when she married Nick. Are you kidding me? Nick must have the willpower of a Tibetan Monk or he must've been fucking everything that moved when he was on tour. It'd be like having a super hot Ferrari with a great chassis and not being able to take it for a spin. Kudos to Nick, if he could survive that surely he can survive being Mrs. Jessica Simpson.

Quick Note on the Basketball Finals

Let us bow our heads for a moment and mourn, not for the breaking up of the Lakers, (they can kiss my ass) but for the end of the basketball season. The time between now and the start of football season has got to be the most boring two months of the year. Seriously watching regular season baseball is like watching foreplay in porn. The only people that watch it are the true fans and even they're just waiting to get to the real action.

Anyway in other news Morten and Amanda (our friends from Montreal) came to visit us in NYC. So you know what that means, lots of drinking, lots of eating, all sprinkled with a little bit of porn.

We started out the night and went to a Brazilian Steak House "Churrascaria Plataforma," where you can have ALL THE MEAT YOU CAN EAT for the price of an arm and a leg. Totally worth it. We got there, ordered drinks, contemplated a salad and then the meat started coming from every direction. It was amazing, every two or three minutes these guys would come to your table and offer you steak, veal, prime rib, chicken, turkey, ham, you name it. I just kept waiting for "Nick the Dick" to show up from "Bachelor Party" with his "meat" in a hot dog bun. I haven't eaten this well since I went to the Dallas Cowboys mixer that was catered by Hooters and Outback steakhouse! I mean the only way the dinner could've been any better was if Micki asked the hostess to come home with us. Still I knew better than to push it.

After that we went to Avalon, a twenty something meat market filled with hotties and bohunks to the brink of exploding. The drinks we're expensive and the skirts were like belts, much drinking and ogling followed. Good times! The only low light was watching some young dude hit on my wife. She blew him off but watching this I felt like the old male lion trying to protect his pride. Note to self: More push ups less fried foods.

Beginning my workout regime.

We even saw some old man (at least 60) doing what can only be described as a cross between tap dancing and the Lord of the Dance. I haven't seen people clear out a dancers way like that since Saturday Night Fever. I just kept waiting for the dance floor to light up under his feet! But you know what made it even better? He was dancing to HIP HOP! After that we cooled down and went up stairs and watched as two sailors in full uniform tried to pick up on what could only be described as "Plan B" because these girls had more junk in their trunk than a soccer mom on the way to daycare. The funniest part though was that as hard as the sailors tried the girls weren't having it one bit!

Note to self: If you're trying to grind a girl on the dance floor and she sticks her mammoth purse in between your bodies, she's not digging your chili!

Once we got done at the nightclub we headed out and Micki (not knowing the subject) picked up a Gay Porn magazine, (not exactly the threesome I was thinking of) and our friend AMANDA ripped out EVERY picture in the magazine and hid them through out our apartment. I remember waking up the next day to pee and finding a picture of a naked dude on the lint roller, one on the fridge, one in the medicine cabinet, they were everywhere! Is that necessary? This is why we encourage Amanda to drink because when she does get hammered she plays the best pranks. Unfortunately she doesn't know who she's fucking with because I've forwarded a picture of her (email me and I'll send it to you) to Kevin Klee and told him that Amanda was waiting to hear from him…

Charlie's Devils

The next day we went to the beach which was fun but the "Dangerous Dane" almost killed us on the way up there. What a maniac! There's just something about driving in New York that brings out the cab driver in everyone. Anyway the beach was amazing and surprisingly empty. We had a blast and spent most of the day just hanging out. Thanks for the wonderful weekend Morten, Amanda and especially you Mick.

See ya next week.