Canada or Bust, Eh?

First of all let me apologize for the stupid "eh" in the title. Yes people do say "eh" a lot but no more than Americans say "dude" or New Yorkers say "Cocksucker". And second lets talk potential, this is the first article I've ever put on my website and there's already two "Cocksuckers in the first paragraph. Deadwood here I come! Anyway this weekend my wife (Cecilia) and I took a trip up to the beautiful city of Toronto. All stereotypes aside this city was amazing. I've never seen a cleaner city, of course compared to New York any city could come off looking clean. So with out further ado let's get to the tale of the tape…

7:05: After saying "Come on babe lets go" about 150 times (rough estimate) we finally hit the streets at 7:05. Now while my wife was in no rush to get out the door she was ready to mow down anyone and anything in her way to Niagra Falls! She was zipping through Manhattan like Dale Ernhardt Jr.

7:15: Z100 announces that the William Hung dancers will be at the Ztopia concert. Consider me officially intrigued.

We're ready to go!

8:27 Still running on adrenaline Cecilia's text messaging and driving at the same time. I think this is exactly what Nascar needs to put it over the top! I mean how cool would it be to be able to text message your favorite driver during Daytona? By the way I must be high thinking of new ways to make the dullest sport since curling become more popular.

9:04 It's about 8 hours until we get to Toronto, luckily my wife has plenty of work stories to pass the time…

9:05 Now that I think about it, I realize that if I started telling her comedy stories she probably last about five minutes before she veered into oncoming traffic and killed us both. Time for a C.D.!

Top 5 traveling C.D.'s
5. Beastie Boys Licensed to Ill- Solid from beginning to end w/ tunes that every one can sing to!
4. Grease Soundtrack- Yes I know for men this is the most god-awful soundtrack ever recorded BUT if you let your woman listen to it, you might be able to get a "Get out of Jail free card" for later use.
3. Sheryl Crow's Greatest hits- Something about this c.d. just makes my vagina feel nice and tingly. (probably the 5th most embarrassing c.d. that I own. But that's another column.)
2. Jay Z The Black Album- Jay Z at the top of his game nuff said.
1. Anything by Led Zepplin up to Houses of the Holy. Everything after HOH was hit and miss if you ask me and since you're reading my column you'll just have to email me if you don't agree.

11:30 4 hours in and Ernhardt Jr. is getting a bit testy… time for my secret weapon. "No Doubt" Rock Steady. Great c.d. and always brightens her mood.

"The" Business school of Niagara Falls

5:00 We roll into Niagara Falls! This is going to be GREAT!

5:34 We "Grizwalled" Niagra Falls (see Grand Canyon scene from "Vacation") and we're back on the road. I'm not saying it wasn't amazing but after about five minutes, you get it. It's huge it's beautiful it's water falling over a cliff.

6:00 We're not even in Canada yet and I've already spilled orange juice on my crotch, ketchup on my shirt and gasoline on my shoes. Our rental car smells wonderful! Cecilia offers to bring a bib for the trip back.

Nice City but will the Raptors ever be worth a crap?

7:00 We roll into the Grand Hotel and meet our friends pound a few Canadian Beers and head out for French food. So we get to the restaurant and since I'm feeling a pretty good buzz I decide to sacrifice a few karma points and have the veal. Little did I know that ordering something rare in Canada meant that they wiped the calf's ass and put him on the plate. Delicious yes, disgusting HELL YES. That must've been karma nipping me in the ass.

10:30 Feeling slightly tipsy and ready for some more libations we head back to the hotel and hit the hot tub on the roof. Which like the veal was amazing but still had it's drawbacks. Let's just say that the view from the roof was awesome and until I have a rock hard six pack I'll refrain from talking about the fat chicks in the hot tub next to us…

10:30 am: Time for some sight seeing! Yay… Perhaps we could slip in some shopping while we're at it! Amazingly enough this is exactly what happens and to my shock both trips were a pleasant surprise. We saw a big ass Castle, almost got kicked out for sneaking into a roped off area and then bought some Cuban cigars while the ladies shopped for shoes. Did I mention I picked up a couple of shirts while we were out. Que the Sheryl Crow c.d. because my vaginas feeling warm and tingly again…

Whoops forgot to mention that we went out for Japanese food and got the surliest shittiest knife-wielding cook in the place. What the hell? If I go to a place where they prepare the food right in front of you and all the other chefs are doing tricks don't get all pissy when I ask you to do make an onion volcano on the grill. Other than that the food was great and once again was feeling a good buzz.

6:00 Back at the hotel, where are my manners, did I mention that the GRAND HOTEL in Toronto offers FREE PORN! Talk about a dilemma, if I watch the porn my wife gets pissed and I don't get none, but if I don't watch the porn I'm missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime. And if I tell you anymore, I still don't none! Well I will tell you this; The Playboy Channel's "Buck Wild" competition is one of the most disgusting, nasty and entertaining shows that I've ever seen. I mean you've got nasty nudity, Luke (of 2livecrew fame) making fun of the chicks and a room full of mixed company. What more could you ask for from a porn channel?!

11:00 We ate again and then headed to a club which I forgot the name of already, get some drinks and whip out our Cubans. There's something about a fine cigar that just say, "Please don't hit on me hot chicks." Not that I was trying to hook up but for some reason cigars in a dance club have the opposite effect that they do in most action movies. Anyway at the club we saw some amazing Canadian chicks and danced our asses off. We had a great time and I'd tell you more but you've been to clubs and probably had wilder times than we did. Let's just say that the music was good, the cigars were great but the company was the best.

Thank you Morten, Amanda, Gida and of course my wife Cecilia for a truly wonderful trip.